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This is Brilliant!

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  • This is Brilliant!

    A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

    Dear Sir,

    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

    My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

    Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

    In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

    As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!

    Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

    1 - To make an appointment to see me.

    2 - To query a missing payment.

    3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

    4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

    5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

    6 - to transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

    7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)

    8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.

    9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

    While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

    Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

    Your Humble Client

    (Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman;

    Apple Tree Crafts

  • #2
    That is possibly the funniest letter I've read in ages!

    Wood Tattoos
    Decorative Pyrography for all Occasions - Author of "Woodburning with Style" (2010) and "Learn to Burn" (2013)


    • #3
      absolutely brilliant!
      I wonder what the bank's response was,and if they returned her £30!


      • #4
        My great aunt was a bit like this lady and she was 91 when she died!
        good on her for standing up for herself
        while i knit i think


        • #5
          That is BRILLIANT Jules!

          Good on her

          Shaz x
          Keepsake Kollections
          & Rossendale Ramblings!

          Where else can you get Mental and Retail Therapy?!


          • #6
            What a cracker - do you know the outcome and did she get her money back?



            Bowed Over
            Handmade Dog Collar Accessories


            • #7


              • #8
                An absolute gem ! I just hope I'm that savvy in my old age


                • #9
                  Don't Know....

                  ...what the outcome was, however her bank manager was so impressed with the letter that he sent it to The Times newspaper and they printed it.

                  I think it's more than likely she got her money back and much better service as a result.

                  Would love to have seen the 8 page attachment......!

                  I hope, if I get to 98, that I'm still that sharp!

                  Apple Tree Crafts


                  • #10
                    good on her!!

                    Reminds me of when I was at school in the 80's. There were loads of teachers strikes. One day they decided to only strike for the morning. Because I had a fairly lenghthy journey to school I couldn't see the point in turning up for p.e and general studies, so I asked mum and dad if I could stay at home. I fully expected them to say no (coz they were very rule obeying) I got a shock when they said ok.
                    The next day my dad handed me an envalope with an excusal note in it to say why I'd been absent. My teacher nearly blew a gasket when he read

                    "Othe morning of the 29th the teachers saw fit to withdraw their labour. On the afternoon of the same Karen Selby saw fit to withdraw hers!"
                    Last edited by beadsbydesign; 03-03-2008, 11:12 AM.
                    full time mum and very very part time crafter.


                    • #11
                      Made My Day!!!!!
                      Shabby Neesey


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by beadsbydesign View Post
                        good on her!!

                        "Othe morning of the 29th the teachers saw fit to withdraw their labour. On the afternoon of the same Karen Selby saw fit to withdraw hers!"

                        Now thats funny!
                        View my flickr

                        'I am sure it must hurt your eyes to work filigree by candlelight.' - Jane Austen


                        • #13
                          ...I was just about to say the same thing!

                          I bet your teacher couldnt say anything to that!

                          Shaz x
                          Keepsake Kollections
                          & Rossendale Ramblings!

                          Where else can you get Mental and Retail Therapy?!