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Friday Humour from Si.

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  • Friday Humour from Si.

    A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Children were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

    This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

    Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

    Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

    I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)

    My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)

    If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

    I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

    A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8)

    My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

    When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

    I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

    I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

    Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

    My mum has fishnets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

    When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

    When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

    A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

    When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)

    Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

    On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
    Wood Tattoos
    Decorative Pyrography for all Occasions - Author of "Woodburning with Style" (2010) and "Learn to Burn" (2013)
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  • #2
    A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye.

    Reading his mum's thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Ian and I are just flatmates."

    About a week later, Ian came to Paul saying "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

    "Well, I doubt it but I'll email her just to be sure", said Paul.

    So he sat down and wrote:

    DEAR MOTHER,
    I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
    LOVE PAUL

    Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother whice read:

    DEAR SON,
    I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH IAN, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH IAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
    LOVE MUM
    Wood Tattoos
    Decorative Pyrography for all Occasions - Author of "Woodburning with Style" (2010) and "Learn to Burn" (2013)
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    • #3
      Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness & kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

      As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minster noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated... of all things... a condom.


      When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but it soon got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

      "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.


      "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago & I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet & that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had flu all winter?"
      Wood Tattoos
      Decorative Pyrography for all Occasions - Author of "Woodburning with Style" (2010) and "Learn to Burn" (2013)
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      • #4
        So why did the chicken cross the road?

        SAEED AL SAHAF – Iraqi Head of Information
        The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.

        GEORGE W BUSH
        We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

        COLIN POWELL
        Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

        TONY BLAIR
        I agree with George.

        HANS BLIX
        We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

        DR SEUSS
        Did the chicken cross the road?
        Did he cross it with a toad?
        Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

        MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
        I envisage a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

        GRANDPA
        In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

        TRICIA
        Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its dream of crossing the road.

        JOHN LENNON
        Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

        ARISTOTLE
        It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

        KARL MARX
        It was an historic inevitability.

        RONALD REAGAN
        What chicken?

        SIGMUND FREUD
        The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

        BILL GATES
        eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque-book, and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

        ALBERT EINSTEIN
        Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

        BILL CLINTON
        What is your definition of chicken?

        THE BIBLE
        And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing.

        COLONEL SANDERS
        Did I miss one?

        HOMER SIMPSON
        Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n
        Wood Tattoos
        Decorative Pyrography for all Occasions - Author of "Woodburning with Style" (2010) and "Learn to Burn" (2013)
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        • #5
          Excellent !!

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          • #6
            They're great!

            Here's another one:


            Fruit Polos

            A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos.
            He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
            The children began to say:
            "Red............cherry,"
            "Yellow.........lemon,"
            "Green..........lime,"

            "Orange........orange."

            Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
            "Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
            One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:
            "Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"
            Debs

            My website: www.debeadz.co.uk

            My blog: www.debeadz.blogspot.com

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            • #7
              ROFL!!! Thanks for the laughs!!

              Personalised Wedding Cake Toppers

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              • #8
                Love the polo joke! I could imagine a kid coming out with that...
                Wood Tattoos
                Decorative Pyrography for all Occasions - Author of "Woodburning with Style" (2010) and "Learn to Burn" (2013)
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                • #9


                  Aw theyre all brilliant but my fave was the kids writing about the seaside!

                  Very VERY funny

                  ....years ago, my nephew went back to school after spending the summer holidays at their caravan in Wales and wrote in his essay that he'd spent the summer "learning how to make a mean martini and catching pillocks"

                  Shaz x
                  Keepsake Kollections
                  & Rossendale Ramblings!
                  http://focusonlife-shaz.blogspot.com

                  Where else can you get Mental and Retail Therapy?!

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                  • #10
                    Seaside one is the best!!!

                    Polo one good too - can just imagine that happening!!

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