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Jokes to make you groan ....

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  • Jokes to make you groan ....

    I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

    This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

    I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

    I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

    I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

    I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

    I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "behindogue." I said "No, just a watch."

    My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

    I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
    He said, "You've got cholera."

    I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

    I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

    I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

    The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

    I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

    This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

    I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

    I phoned the local builder today & said to him "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

    This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

    I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo". He said "You're closest"

    I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

    I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

    I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

    I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

    I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
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  • #2
    Oh dear.... terrible but funny!!

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    • #3
      Lol... These would be good in Christmas crackers!
      After tea at night, my family sometimes have joke telling competitions whoever tells the corniest one gets presented with the pepper-grinder... (don't ask me why... it's never the salt pot for some reason). Anyway, I reckon you deserve the pepper-grinder tonight JBJB!
      Mind if I print them off and share them?... with due reference to you of course!
      Julie
      Crafting on a big rock that's hurling through space at 90 miles per second. EEEk!
      http://julielea.wordpress.com
      www.tenplustextiles.com

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      • #4
        Julie ... of course you may use them but I can't take credit for them. They were just sent to me by one of my ex colleagues!

        I've just looked on your website and I absolutely adore Val Lewis's pinkie-purple flower fabric. What has she made with it? It would make a gorgeous bedspread. It's really my kind of thing!
        Blog Website Flickr

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        • #5
          Hi JBJB, I'll tell Val you like her flowery 'fabric'. she'll be chuffed to bits! From what I remember, she used a fair bit of paper... stitched and embellished. She made it into a (kind of 60's style) dress, I think it was in the Buxton Museum exhibition. She also did a really lovely yellow-polka-dot-bikini (as in the song) made out of stitched tissue papers...it was beautiful! Thanks for your interest
          Julie
          Crafting on a big rock that's hurling through space at 90 miles per second. EEEk!
          http://julielea.wordpress.com
          www.tenplustextiles.com

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          • #6
            ROFL............some of those made me laugh out loud!!! I will have to print them out and take them to our family christmas this this Saturday..........its sure to make a few groan but they are good!!!

            thanks!!!

            Personalised Wedding Cake Toppers

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            • #7
              That was soooo bad it was good - really made me chuckle.

              Cheers.

              Lisa

              Bowed Over
              Handmade Dog Collar Accessories
              www.bowedover.co.uk

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