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  • Joke of the day

    What's big and green, with six legs and would kill you if it pounced on you from out of a tree?
















    A snooker table.


    IGMC
    It's never too late to gyrate!

  • #2
    I had to laugh as it was soooooooo bad!!!!!!!
    Emma
    Luxury craft supplies & magnolia Stamps - Sassy Crafts
    Sassy Crafts Blog
    My Blog

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    • #3
      I was in the bank the other day, and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance.








      So I pushed her over.


      IGMC
      It's never too late to gyrate!

      Comment


      • #4


        They are bad!

        How about this instead?


        There was a Canadian man, an American man, a blonde woman with a big bosom and an old lady. They were all sat in the same compartment of a train. The train came to a tunnel and there was a loud slapping noise. When the train came out of the tunnel the American had a red hand print on his face.

        The old lady thought "He must have tried to grope the blonde and she hit him"
        The blonde thought "He must have tried to grope me, missed and groped the old lady who then hit him."
        The American thought "The Canadian must have tried to grope the blonde who then tried to hit him, missed and hit me instead"
        The Canadian thought "I can't wait for the next tunnel, so I can hit the American again"
        View my flickr

        'I am sure it must hurt your eyes to work filigree by candlelight.' - Jane Austen

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        • #5
          Ahhhh!
          Fantastic!

          Comment


          • #6
            Little Joanie attended a horse auction with her father. She watched as
            her father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down
            the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Joanie asked,
            "Dad, why are you doing that?" Her father replied, "Because when I'm
            buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Joanie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

            Comment


            • #7
              Two fish in a Tank





              One says to the other can you drive this thing?

              IGMC
              It's never too late to gyrate!

              Comment


              • #8
                'Tis obviously the day of bad jokes... so here goes:

                Daddy & Baby Tomato are running up the road.. baby is lagging behind so Daddy turns round and says....


                ' Come on - ketchup ! '


                ta da
                Mel

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                • #9
                  My Uncle Bob, a bus driver, died peacefully in his sleep; unlike his screaming passengers.
                  It's never too late to gyrate!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Where am I?" The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane." The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.

                    "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."
                    It's never too late to gyrate!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      The State of the NHS


                      Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
                      Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

                      Both subsequently died in the ambulance and the PCT set up an enquiry, which came to the following conclusions:

                      1. The 50 mile journey to the nearest casualty department was in the couples' best interests.

                      2. The fact that there was no local bed in which Jack could mend his head was unfortunate but no targets had been breached and he had been offered a choice.

                      3. The lack of vinegar and brown paper was not material to the man's death as NICE had not yet decided whether it was cost-effective and in any case both the brown paper nurse and the vinegar nurse were away on courses.

                      4. The GP was most to blame and should be suspended and referred to the GMC as he had:

                      a. Not reported Jack and Jill's lack of water to social services;

                      b. Failed to recognise that anyone going UP the hill to fetch a pail of water must be seriously demented;

                      c. Had not involved the Falls Coordinator which resulted in Jill Tumbling after Jack.



                      Once upon a time it was resolved to have a boat race between a BUPA team and a team representing the N.H.S. Both teams practised long and hard to reach their peak performance. On the big day they were as ready as they could be.

                      The BUPA team won by a mile.

                      Afterwards the N.H.S. team became very discouraged by the result and morale sagged. Senior management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, and a working party was set up to investigate the problem and recommend appropriate action.

                      Their conclusion was that the BUPA team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whereas the N.H.S. team had eight people steering and one person rowing.

                      Senior management immediately hired a consultancy company to do a study on the team's structure. Thousands of pounds and several months later they concluded that: "Too many people were steering and not enough rowing."

                      To prevent losing to BUPA the next year, the team structure was changed to three "Assistant Steering Managers", three "Steering Managers", one "Executive Steering Manager" and a "Director of Steering Services". A performance and appraisal system was set up to give the person rowing the boat more incentive to work harder.

                      The next year BUPA won by two miles.

                      Following this, the N.H.S. laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off all the paddles, cancelled all capital investment in new equipment, and halted development of a new canoe. The money saved was used to fund higher than average pay awards to senior management.


                      And guess who I work for!!!!!!

                      hehe.

                      Lisa
                      Bowed Over
                      Handmade Dog Collar Accessories
                      www.bowedover.co.uk

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        A man got onto a plane and sat down in a seat. While sat waiting for takeoff another man comes up to him and says "that's my seat. I sit there every day"
                        The man sat down replies, "but my ticket says I can sit where I like, so you go and find somewhere else"
                        The man standing says "Well I'll have to get cabin crew to move you"
                        "I don't mind, I know I can sit where I like because the ticket tells me I can"
                        So cabin crew are summoned and tell him he has to move.
                        "Fine then, I didn't want to fly the plane anyway"
                        View my flickr

                        'I am sure it must hurt your eyes to work filigree by candlelight.' - Jane Austen

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                        • #13
                          A pilot is flying through thick fog with no instruments (again), but tells the passengers not to worry - "I can tell where I am just by sticking my arm out of the window".

                          They fly on for a bit through the fog, he sticks his arm out of the window, and tells the passengers "We're just over London - I touched the top of Big Ben so I know where we are"

                          A while later, the fog is no better, he sticks his arm out of the window and tells the passengers "We're just over Wales - I touched the top of Snowdon so I know where we are".

                          They fly on through the fog, he sticks his arm out of the the window and tells the passengers "We're over Blackpool - I touched the top of the tower and I know where we are".

                          They fly on a bit further, he sticks his arm out of the window and tells the passengers "We're over York - I touched the top of York Minster and I know where we are"

                          They fly on a bit further, he sticks his arm out of the window and tells the passengers "We're over Liverpool, I know where we are".

                          A passenger shouts out "Did you touch the top of the Liver Building?"

                          Pilot replies "No - someone's knicked my watch!!"
                          It's never too late to gyrate!

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                          • #14
                            A student comes into his lab class right at the end of the hour. Fearing he'll get an "F", he asks a fellow student what she's been doing. "We've been observing water under the microscope. We're suppose to write up what we see." The page of her notebook is filled with little figures resembling circles and ellipses with hair on them. The panic-stricken student hears the bell go off, opens his notebook and writes, "During this laboratory, I examined water under the microscope and I saw twice as many H's as O's."
                            View my flickr

                            'I am sure it must hurt your eyes to work filigree by candlelight.' - Jane Austen

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                            • #15
                              Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
                              A: A ferrous wheel:

                              Fe - Fe / \ Fe Fe \ / Fe - Fe (sorry I work in science if you couldn't guess!)
                              View my flickr

                              'I am sure it must hurt your eyes to work filigree by candlelight.' - Jane Austen

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