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  • Top tourism advice

    These questions about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.


    Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
    A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

    Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
    A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

    Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
    A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

    Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
    A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

    Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
    A: What did your last slave die of?

    Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
    A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

    Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
    A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

    Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
    A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

    Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
    A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

    Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
    A: You are a British politician, right?

    Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
    A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

    Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
    A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

    Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees (USA)
    A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

    Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
    A: No, WE don't stink.

    Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
    A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

    Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
    A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

    Q: When do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
    A: Only at Christmas.

    Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
    A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Come naked.

    Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
    A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
    It's never too late to gyrate!

  • #2
    Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
    A: You are a British politician, right?


    So Peter, when are you going???
    Visit my Etsy store http://swirlyarts.etsy.com
    My daily thoughts! http://swirlyarts.blogspot.com
    My blog of cute stuff http://cuteable.com


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    • #3
      Any one for hippo racing?
      full time mum and very very part time crafter.

      Comment


      • #4
        London Advice

        Phew - luckily I found this one, as I start my 2 hour commute across London:

        Once you are on a train platform, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th Century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement 'Mind the Gappe!' is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation
        It's never too late to gyrate!

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        • #5
          Thank you Mr Swirl. You have made my boring lunchtime very worthwhile. My office colleagues are looking at me very warily whilst I have a good giggle!!

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          • #6
            Last piece of advice, from the Mozambique Ministry of Fish and Wildlife

            Warning !!

            Due to the frequency of human-lion encounters, the Ministry of Fish and Wildlife, Inhambane Branch, Mozambique is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and any motocyclist that use the out-doors in a recreational or work related function to take extra precautions while in the bush.

            We advice the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any lions that might be close by so they will not be taken by surprise.

            We also advice anyone using the out-doors to carry "Pepper Spray" with him or her in case of an encounter with a lion.

            Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh lion activity, and be able to tell the difference between lion cub dung and big lion dung. Lion cub dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and dassie fur. Big lion dung has bells in it and smells like pepper.

            Enjoy your stay in Mozambique
            It's never too late to gyrate!

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            • #7
              Fantastic!!!

              Love the advice about Australia!!

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              • #8
                Fab! I laughed out loud at some of these. Thanks for brightening my morning!
                Anice xx
                Funkyhand x
                my website
                http://www.funkyhand.com
                my blog (updated 09/06/10)
                http://funkyhand.blogspot.com/
                Follow me on Twitter
                http://twitter.com/funkyhand

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