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Women vs men, Men vs womens jokes..

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  • Women vs men, Men vs womens jokes..

    At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
    "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
    "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

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  • #2
    You have two choices in life:
    You can stay single and be miserable,
    or get married and wish you were dead.

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    • #3
      When a woman steals your husband,
      there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

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      • #4
        A little boy asked his father,
        "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
        Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.

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        • #5
          A young son asked,
          "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
          a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
          Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

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          • #6
            Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
            thinking they had no faults at all.

            First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
            Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

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            • #7
              Last one:

              A Woman's Prayer:
              Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom to understand a man, love to forgive him,
              and patience to put up with his moods.
              Because, Lord, if I pray for strength I'll just beat the crap out of him.

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              • #8
                In response....

                For the ladies..

                It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes

                harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they

                were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are

                oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

                My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy.

                When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job

                along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

                Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

                I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

                Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for

                half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead,

                I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

                I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable.

                I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

                She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's

                not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

                I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening

                that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as

                it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

                Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say

                that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

                But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.

                I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't

                have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely

                now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think

                tact is one of my strong points.

                When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.

                She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

                I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big,

                cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.

                And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one

                for me too.

                I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy.

                I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will

                find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I

                do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you

                just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of

                this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we

                are put on this earth to help each other.



                EDITOR'S NOTE: Jim died suddenly on March 27 of a perforated rectum.

                The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch

                Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches

                of the grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Peggy

                was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15

                minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow,

                without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.


                • #9
                  Love it!!!!!
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                  • #10
                    Wife: "What are you doing?"
                    Husband : Nothing.
                    Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
                    Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."


                    Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
                    Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
                    Wife : "Yes and no."


                    Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
                    Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
                    Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
                    Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"


                    Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
                    Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
                    Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."


                    Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
                    Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
                    Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

                    A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
                    "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"


                    Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
                    Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."


                    Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
                    The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."


                    A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
                    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."
                    Blog Website Flickr


                    • #11
                      I might have posted this one before....

                      A Husband Is At Home Watching A Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,
                      “honey, Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway? It's Been Flickering
                      For Weeks Now”
                      He Looks At Her And Says Angrily;
                      “fix The Light, Now? Does It Look Like I Have An Electricians Logo Printed On My Forehead? I Don't Think So!”
                      “well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door? It Won't Close Right.”
                      To Which He Replied,
                      “fix The Fridge Door? Does It Look Like I Have Hotpoint Written On My Foreheadi Don't Think So.”
                      Fine, She Says,
                      “then You Could At Least Fix The Steps To The Front Door?” They're About To Break.”
                      “i'm Not A Damn Carpenter And I Don't Want To Fix The Steps”, He Says. “does It Look Like I Have Woodies Diy Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So. I've Had Enough Of You. I'm Going To The Bar!!! “
                      So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A Couple Of Hours. He Starts To Feel Guilty About How He Treated His Wife, And Decides To Go Home And Help Out. As He Walks Into The House He Notices The Steps Are Already Fixed. As He Enters The House, He Sees The Hall Light Is Working. As He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices The Fridge Door Is Fixed.
                      She Said,
                      “well, When You Left I Sat Outside And Cried.just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Him.he Offered To Do All The Repairs, And All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake
                      He Said
                      So What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake Him
                      She Replied,
                      “ You See Delia Smith Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So!”
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                      • #12
                        ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

                        Smart man + smart woman = romance
                        Smart man + dumb woman = affair
                        Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
                        Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
                        OFFICE ARITHMETIC

                        Smart boss + smart employee = profit
                        Smart boss + dumb employee = production
                        Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
                        Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
                        SHOPPING MATH

                        A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
                        A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
                        GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

                        A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
                        A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
                        A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
                        A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

                        To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
                        To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

                        Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
                        PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

                        A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
                        A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
                        DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

                        A woman has the last word in any argument.
                        Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
                        Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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                        • #13
                          A rich man comes home from work one day to find his wife upset and in tears.

                          "Whatever it is, darling, we can sort it out - let's go and buy you some new designer dresses"

                          "No that's not what I want" she replies.

                          "OK, let's go to the jewellers and you can buy whatever you want"

                          "No that's not what I want, either" she replies.

                          "OK, let's go to the travel agency, and we'll go wherever you want on holiday."

                          "No, that's not what I want either. I want a divorce" she replies.

                          "**** me, I wasn't planning on spending that much!"
                          It's never too late to gyrate!


                          • #14
                            A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail [FONT='Verdana', 'sans-serif']with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, [/FONT][FONT='Verdana', 'sans-serif']extremely sexy middle-aged man entered.

                            He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

                            The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare
                            and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

                            Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, He leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 on one condition." (There are always conditions!)

                            Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

                            The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

                            (Controlling, huh?) The woman considered his proposition for a
                            moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.

                            She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said . . .

                            "Clean my house."


                   ... my blog


                            • #15
                              I'm glad to see that women made the most of her
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