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Aeroplane Humour

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  • Aeroplane Humour

    It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.

    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet”, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

    Here are some actual maintenance complaint s submitted by Qantas' Pilots (marked with a P) and the Solutions Recorded (marked with an S) By Maintenance Engineers.

    By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're for.

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    And The Best One For Last!!

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget


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  • #2

    Just spiteful, midget was having so much fun making noise with hammer


    • #3
      Heehee!!! I love it!

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      • #4
        Absolutely superb
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        • #5
          LOL those are great!
          "Human beings, who are almost remarkable in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so" - Douglas Adams

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          • #6
            As we are on the subject my friend e mailed me these the other day. They are recordings taken from conversations between air traffic controllers and pilots. Happy flying!!

            Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
            Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

            "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
            "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
            "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

            From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm bored!"
            Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
            Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

            Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
            United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

            A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

            Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
            Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
            Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
            Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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            • #7

              .....Geez......Himself & I have tears running down our faces!! They're really funny.

              Thanks for those. ATC cleared for sign off, over.

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              • #8
                Brilliant!!!! Can't stop laughing.
                Sue x


                • #9
                  That's given me a good giggle before going to bed, had a rough day, so thanks to both of you for those gems.

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                  • #10
                    Hahaha I've read these before but it still made me giggle
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                    • #11
                      Excellent. That ground crew has a great sense of humour
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