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  • Need Jokes to cheer up a mate!

    Hey one of my friends has just split with her other half the father of her little girl. I need to cheer her up and make her laugh. So jokes anyone.
    my blog: http://debsjeans.blogspot.com/

    Facebookhttp://www.facebook.com/home.php#/pa...ls/48962246861

    my misi.me http://www.misi.me.uk/store_info.php?user_id=879

  • #2
    Don't step on the Ducks!!

    Three women die together in an accident
    and go to heaven.

    When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

    So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

    Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

    St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

    The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

    The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

    She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.


    St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

    The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

    The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
    Handmade jewellery, to buy gifts or just to treat yourself visit my website, commissions welcome or join me on facebook for a chat

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    • #3
      A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

      The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

      Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand?"

      Not one hand went up…….so she took them home and ate them herself.

      Men never learn.

      Hils
      Handmade jewellery, to buy gifts or just to treat yourself visit my website, commissions welcome or join me on facebook for a chat

      Comment


      • #4
        Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just f all of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

        Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

        'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

        'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
        Handmade jewellery, to buy gifts or just to treat yourself visit my website, commissions welcome or join me on facebook for a chat

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        • #5
          An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

          "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

          *** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

          "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

          *** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

          "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

          "Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

          *** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

          She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

          "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
          Handmade jewellery, to buy gifts or just to treat yourself visit my website, commissions welcome or join me on facebook for a chat

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          • #6
            Ha ha! I dunno about the friend, but they've cheered me up no end! Lol...
            Gail x

            My Blog: http://gailburtonart.blogspot.com/

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            • #7
              A man walks into a psychiatrist wearing nothing but a pair of cling-film underpants. The psychiatrist took one look at him and said: 'I can clearly see you're nuts.'
              It's never too late to gyrate!

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              • #8
                Originally posted by MrSwirl View Post
                A man walks into a psychiatrist wearing nothing but a pair of cling-film underpants. The psychiatrist took one look at him and said: 'I can clearly see you're nuts.'
                he he he


                www.folksy.com/shops/sandrute

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by MrSwirl View Post
                  A man walks into a psychiatrist wearing nothing but a pair of cling-film underpants. The psychiatrist took one look at him and said: 'I can clearly see you're nuts.'
                  tehehe
                  my blog: http://debsjeans.blogspot.com/

                  Facebookhttp://www.facebook.com/home.php#/pa...ls/48962246861

                  my misi.me http://www.misi.me.uk/store_info.php?user_id=879

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    MY LIVING WILL

                    last night my friend and i were sitting in the living room and i said to her, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine and fluids from a bottle. if that ever happens-- just pull the plug

                    she got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine


                    she`s such a b----

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