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Actual court conversations - FUNNY!

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  • Actual court conversations - FUNNY!

    Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.




    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
    something you forgot?
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    _____ _________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until
    the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
    he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
    ________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    _______________________ _______________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Guess.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
    attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
    performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    Would you like to rephrase that?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    __________________________________________ __
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________________
    And the best for last:
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

  • #2
    ROTFL!!!
    full time mum and very very part time crafter.

    Comment


    • #3
      ROTFL!!!
      Me too. They are priceless! I wish I could be paid exorbitant sums of money for asking stupid questions - I think I'd be quite good at it.

      Linda

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      • #4
        ROFL - BEST LAUGH ALL WEEK!!!!

        Thanks

        Pauline
        Personalised Wedding Cake Toppers

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        • #5
          Made me laugh out loud !

          It's funny, I read them all with an American accent .... I wonder why?!
          Blog Website Flickr

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          • #6
            Excellent!!
            View my flickr

            'I am sure it must hurt your eyes to work filigree by candlelight.' - Jane Austen

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            • #7
              Very funny.

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