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  • Friends with an ex?

    My ex boyf (he left me for a girl at his work, Dec 2008) called me on Friday I wasnt expecting it, obviously. Well what actually happened was that he got drunk, went to his parents and was complaining to them that he missed me, felt really bad about what happened, wanted to know if i was ok etc. So his mum called me and asked if i would talk to him.

    I did. Not sure why! But we were on the phone for an hour and a half! It was nice. He said he wasnt with this girl anymore. I think he was feeling a little sorry for himself! Iv always been able to cheer him up. It was left that he would contact me again later. Yesterday i was talking to his mother again and she said that she thought he was with this girl still, but they must have had a bust up or split up. Which would explain why he called me? He doesnt keep her in on the loop!

    So he sent a text on Sunday, just a normal text asking what im up to etc. And i couldnt answer. I said to him that i would like to be friends, but i cant be if he is still with his girl! Its just too much. I also said that he cant call me when he is feeling bad about what he did. It was his decision! He sent one back saying he didnt call because he felt bad and i havnt had one back since. I asked if he is with this girl still but i got no reply.

    Im not sure what to do! He is being his usual self, dodging questions. But should i be asking them? Is it fair to say i cant be friends with him if he is still with her? Should i just tell him to bog off and leave me alone! i miss him, but dont miss the drama.
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  • #2
    Don't offer to be friends - he'll call you every time he needs his ego boosting.... ok, that's harsh, but you've worked really hard to move on with your life and no matter how much you missed him to begin with, it's really not worth it.

    *HUG*
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    • #3
      I think you need to think about yourself and how being friends with him will affect you. Can you be just friends with him or are you going to want more from him? Even if he says he's not with this girl do you trust him enough to believe him?

      Everyone is different but I would imagine it's taken some time for you to come to terms with being without him and to move on? Can you be 'just friends' with him again, without it causing you any pain or creating complications?

      I think you need to answer these questions and decide if it would be good for you to be friends with him again and decide what you want out of that friendship.

      The fact that he is not answering you re: the other girl concerns me.

      Whatever you decide it's your decision and it needs to be the right one for you.

      Take care x
      Katian Mosaics

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      • #4
        your bound to miss him he was a big part of your life, but think how far you have come since you broke up and all the heartache when you did part..you have no guarantee that he won't do it to you again

        It's very hard to be just friends with somebody when you still have feelings for them, they know the buttons to press to get the right reactions and they play on your feelings

        as Katianne says the way he avoiding talking about the other girl rings massive alarm bells, they could have just had a tiff and he was looking for an ego boost

        ultimatly you must do what you feel is right, but only if it makes YOU happy.Don't feel pressured into anything by anyone

        hth
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        • #5
          I agree with Katianne - you need to ask yourself some questions about why you would still want to be friends with him.

          The question in my mind that rings alarm bells is if you're happy only being friends, why does it come with the condition that he can't be with another girl? To me that suggests you probably still have quite strong feelings for him. I've been there and agreed to 'just be friends', but then got very jealous about hearing the stories when he found a new girlfriend - then I realised I was 'being friends' in the hope he'd come back.

          Sorry if that sounds harsh, it's not meant to be, but I wouldn't want to see someone put themselves through unecessary heartache.

          Claire
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          • #6
            Should i just tell him to bog off and leave me alone
            Got it in one! He's not worth it!!
            Gail x

            My Blog: http://gailburtonart.blogspot.com/

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            • #7
              Its my worry too that they had a fight and he was feeling sorry for himself. I dont think its been going very well for them from the start. No wonder seeing how it did start! He is very good at feeling sorry for himself and trying to get other people to make him feel better when its him that needs to drag himself out of the pit he has been in for the past 2 years! He always sees the world as against him!

              I dont think i owuld ever get back with him! I dont trust a word he says. It would be nice if we could see each other as friends but even that cant happen any time soon. Its a bit too soon i think.

              We get on quite well on a friend level. We have things in common and chat easily. Its just the history there. I sort of wish he had never bothered to call me! Though it makes me a little happy that he is having a crap time of it too
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              • #8
                I think that i cant be friends with him if he were still with her as i see her as hte reason we split and i dont want ot be reminded of that. Im not sure how i feel about him really. Is it possible to hate and love someone at the same time!?

                I just dont want to miss out on a good friend. I dont have many friends at all! And we were best friends as well as boyf/gf.
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                • #9
                  Maybe it is a bit early for friendship just yet, but I don't see why not in the long run. Especially if you are on good terms with his family.

                  I used to go out with one of my best friends and we still get on like a house on fire, I know he still has feelings but I'd never do anything about them because I have my boyfriend.

                  We used to have phone conversations that lasted for hours, once we talked on the phone for 7 hours about nothing at all. Even though we don't talk as much as we used to, when we do it's like time hasn't even gone by.

                  So yes I think you should go slowly to start with, especially as you say you don't trust him but I don't see why you shouldn't stay friends
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                  • #10
                    Hi

                    Hi I sympathise with you. I have gone through similar and what i have learned you might not like to hear. Im sorry to say. you should leave him be, if he wants you he has to work for you and show that he is open and honest and willing to answer your questions. I have also been on the other end as your bf was. I would run to the ex as i knew they would always be there for me and it would take the hurt away from the true issue of the current bf. good luck and let me know how you get on xx



                    Originally posted by handcrafted View Post
                    My ex boyf (he left me for a girl at his work, Dec 2008) called me on Friday I wasnt expecting it, obviously. Well what actually happened was that he got drunk, went to his parents and was complaining to them that he missed me, felt really bad about what happened, wanted to know if i was ok etc. So his mum called me and asked if i would talk to him.

                    I did. Not sure why! But we were on the phone for an hour and a half! It was nice. He said he wasnt with this girl anymore. I think he was feeling a little sorry for himself! Iv always been able to cheer him up. It was left that he would contact me again later. Yesterday i was talking to his mother again and she said that she thought he was with this girl still, but they must have had a bust up or split up. Which would explain why he called me? He doesnt keep her in on the loop!

                    So he sent a text on Sunday, just a normal text asking what im up to etc. And i couldnt answer. I said to him that i would like to be friends, but i cant be if he is still with his girl! Its just too much. I also said that he cant call me when he is feeling bad about what he did. It was his decision! He sent one back saying he didnt call because he felt bad and i havnt had one back since. I asked if he is with this girl still but i got no reply.

                    Im not sure what to do! He is being his usual self, dodging questions. But should i be asking them? Is it fair to say i cant be friends with him if he is still with her? Should i just tell him to bog off and leave me alone! i miss him, but dont miss the drama.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by handcrafted View Post
                      I just dont want to miss out on a good friend. I dont have many friends at all! And we were best friends as well as boyf/gf.
                      a true friend doesn't lie to you or betray you, if he really wants to be your friend he will understand why you hesitate
                      Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes CAN change your life !!

                      my website http://www.ticketyboo-jewellery.co.uk
                      my misi shop http://ticketyboo.misi.me.uk
                      my blog http://ticketyboojewellery.blogspot.com/



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                      • #12
                        Hi,
                        I can understand how you must be feeling confused,
                        Men eh!
                        Keep your cards and feelings close to your chest, if his mum has doubts then i think you should too,
                        Take care, And i hope everything works out for you.
                        * Julie *

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                        • #13
                          It sounds like it's still too soon to be friends with him. Don't dwell on him and to be quite honest I think it was wrong of his mum to persuade you to talk to him. Whilst it's ok to be on the end of a phone it's also wise for the moment to take a deep breathe and don't be emotionally persuaded to resurrect 'the good times', it'll make it into a cycle of one step forward and 2 steps back as far as recovering from what he did. You sound like you still have a soft spot for him and that's confusing the issue of what he himself is still going through regarding the emotional journey he may still be on. I was beaten up by one ex and I used to go backwards and forwards living with him and then going back to my parents until one day I had a bump in my car in a traffic jam on one of these journeys. It sort of shocked me into thinking what the heck am I doing here? I didn't trust him, he was very likely to hit me again, and he had me on the end of the phone and a piece of emotional elastic in a way whenever he wanted! It was I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you...and until you can stand back and not be confused then keep things simple and look after yourself. Sorry for gabbling on. Big hug
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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by handcrafted View Post
                            I think that i cant be friends with him if he were still with her as i see her as hte reason we split and i dont want ot be reminded of that. Im not sure how i feel about him really. Is it possible to hate and love someone at the same time!?

                            I just dont want to miss out on a good friend. I dont have many friends at all! And we were best friends as well as boyf/gf.

                            They do say that there is a very fine line between love and hate and I guess it's times like this that proves that.

                            I would definitely only think of your own feelings here and how you will be affected with/without his friendship bearing in mind it sounds like he was only using you for an ego boost.

                            You are worth far more than the heartache he caused you and I would hate to think that you were lining yourself up (with the best intentions) to be hurt again.

                            You say you 'were' best friends but also that you can't trust him, surely that in itself says a lot... can you really be friends with someone you don't trust? And more to the point would you want to let him back in your life after his behaviour?

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