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  • I know I'm stupid

    but my 20 year old son is talking about moving out and renting a house with friends and I'm upset and worried
    upset because I will miss him sooooooooooooooo much and worried as I wonder if he'll be able to pay the bills, what will happen if he loses his job ( he's in retail ) I understand I've got to let him go and they're all being very sensible and only talking about taking a 6 month contract so they've not got the responsibility of a 25 year mortagage
    we're not in the position at the moment to help out financially which I'm not sure if its a good thing or not , I do think they need to learn to stand on their own two feet and not rely on us helping out with money but did think I could take a few tins of stuff and make a cake when I visit ( they love my cake lol )
    am I stupid for feeling this way ???
    www.sunrisecards.co.uk
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  • #2
    Of course you are not stupid, your reaction is the same as any other Mother. I have no children but I know what my Sister went through.

    Just go on being a good Mum, bake the cakes and just be there to listen to any problems.

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    • #3
      My mum was the same when I moved out, she spent years collecting things like tea towels and knives and forks and stuff like that! When I did move out her and my dad had no money to support me with, but i got by, you just do! Dont forget situations change and people change so dont worry about it! You might be a millionaire in six months and be able to buy them a mansion!
      I like to make things - usually a mess!
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      • #4
        No, of course you're not stupid, just a lovely caring mum having to face the things all us mums dread, our children leaving home.

        You know it has to be done & he has to stand on his own two feet, but it has to be one of the hardest thing any parent does.

        So keep baking & doing what you can, but also give him the space & freedom to become more independant & grow up.

        Much love to you xx
        "Human beings, who are almost remarkable in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so" - Douglas Adams


        Website: www.janscardsandcrafts.co.uk
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        • #5
          thank you I just think I get over emotional about things and I'm trying not to think about it
          I'm a born worrier and my hubby says I'm not happy unless I'm worrying but it will be so weird not having him around , I'm pretty sure that once he's gone he won't come back to live unless he really has to so its the end of an era and one thats gone so quickly
          hubby says he might try it and not like it but four blokes living on their own
          I'm not stupid he's going to love it isn't he !!!
          when he was little my idea was to save up his keep and give it to him to help him out with his first place but with the credit crunch and everything ( had a tough year financially last year ) it just hasn't happened. I also thought I would have ages to start collecting teatowels and everything and again this has all happened so quickly, might start collecting bits each week when I go to tescos so he's got a bit of a start and I'll feel like I'm doing something useful
          when I moved out my mother in law and her Mum collected bits and pieces for us each week , many of which we still use but my Mum and Dad weren't like that at all.
          I don't want him to think I'm stupid if I arrive for a visit armed with a tin of baked beans and some supernoodles
          www.sunrisecards.co.uk
          http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gi...5877781?ref=ts
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          • #6
            Autumn Faerie - this letting go business is just the hardest thing I've ever done , I'm not a natural I'm afraid , and as hubby said when they've all talked about doing this they've come to us and sat round our house with us and talked everything through and he rightly said if we carry on being supportive then our son will keep in touch with us and I know he's right but I feel tearful now just thinking about it
            I'm scared that he wont' want to come and visit and he'll be having too much fun in his new life and we will just be a distant memory !!
            www.sunrisecards.co.uk
            http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gi...5877781?ref=ts
            http://www.facebook.com/pages/sunris...all&ref=search

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            • #7
              I don't think he'll think that at all, my step mum still brings something with her when my parents come up & it's always appreciated. He won't have much money, and free food is free food, especially home baked cakes - yum

              It's going to be a difficult & strange time for you, but you'll still be his mum, & he'll always need his mum, no matter what
              x
              "Human beings, who are almost remarkable in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so" - Douglas Adams


              Website: www.janscardsandcrafts.co.uk
              Blog: http://janscardscraftsandmusings.blogspot.com/
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              • #8
                Originally posted by sunrise View Post
                Autumn Faerie - this letting go business is just the hardest thing I've ever done , I'm not a natural I'm afraid , and as hubby said when they've all talked about doing this they've come to us and sat round our house with us and talked everything through and he rightly said if we carry on being supportive then our son will keep in touch with us and I know he's right but I feel tearful now just thinking about it
                I'm scared that he wont' want to come and visit and he'll be having too much fun in his new life and we will just be a distant memory !!
                Sunrise, I hear you, my DD is only 14 - she's my only child & the thought, even now of her leaving me is so, so hard, & I can understand why you're scared. But as I've just said (I guess our posts crossed) he'll never stop loving you or needing his mum, but it'll just be different. Your hubby is right, if you support him & help him without smothering him, he'll be glad to keep on coming home to see you both - but it not's going to be easy for you.

                Keep talking, to hubby, your son, us, your forum, it all helps to know you're not alone & as I found out earlier this week from one of my posts, even a cyber hug can mean the world So here's one for you, from me ((hugs))

                xxx
                "Human beings, who are almost remarkable in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so" - Douglas Adams


                Website: www.janscardsandcrafts.co.uk
                Blog: http://janscardscraftsandmusings.blogspot.com/
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                • #9
                  sunrise, it's only natural to worry.

                  my 18 year old moved out in the summer of last year to staff quarters at work and my 21 year old moved out 3 days before xmas to his own rented flat.

                  my 21 year was ment to be doing a flat share with a friend but was let down at the last minute so is now doing it alone..worried isn't the word for what I felt, not a day went by without me thinking up somthing new to tell him re running a house and affording to live when you move out. He has no spare money left after he has paid all his bill , food etc but he is happy and loves having his own space even thou he has virtually no furniture. My 18 year old is different he is a chef so lives in and pays very little , my main worry with him was his drinking. When at home he would often come home very drunk and was quite hard work, so much so we started to drift apart but he is now a joy to be around , he is more settled and now much happier.

                  Like most mothers my kids are my life, I have always been the one stable part of their lives and I have done everything I can to protect, help and guide them along the way .I found it very hard to let go , but I had to to allow my boys to grow up and become the men they are ment to be. They may make mistakes and yes I'm fully prepared for them to find their way back home when they do, but thats part of the joy of being a parent isn't it,lol.

                  you buy a washer it comes with a manual on how to use it, have a baby and you have to wing it and do what you think is best.

                  p.s, I don't bake cakes,lol, I do how ever end up with the drying still
                  Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes CAN change your life !!

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                  • #10
                    when I moved out to live with my now husband my Mum and Dad said I had a year for it to work out if it didn't within that time then I could go back home
                    fair enough but after a month they sold my bed !!!!
                    I do worry that he won't have much money left and that he should be out enjoying himself while he's young because before long he'll have a family , a mortgage and bills to pay but then I think he will be enjoying himself as he'll be with his friends and having a great laugh and he'll have his freedom
                    I've decided to cope with this the only way I can and that to be practical
                    I'm a very practical person ( my family think I'm too practical at times lol ) but its the way I am so starting on Monday on my weekly trip to Tescos I'm going to start buying bits
                    things like fairy liquid, toilet roll, washing powder, cling film etc
                    any ideas welcome
                    I'm also going to save his keep this month and maybe next if he's still here and he can have that as something towards the deposit
                    www.sunrisecards.co.uk
                    http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gi...5877781?ref=ts
                    http://www.facebook.com/pages/sunris...all&ref=search

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                    • #11
                      He'll be fine, I'm 20 now, but I was 19 when I moved out and bought my house, we are still learning what we can and can't afford, but we're getting there. If like you say after 6 months is up your son will be able to decide whether he can afford to live there (or can't be bothered to do his own ironing!).
                      I love my house to bits, and I love the freedom, but I still wish there was a way around that so I could still live at home. I miss not being around my family on an evening
                      MISI - http://www.misi.me.uk/store_info.php?user_id=741

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                      • #12
                        I understand how you feel, my eldest son (21) has moved out for the second time now and although he is living with his girlfriends parents I still worry about him and miss him. My youngest is already planning to buy a house as soon as he can. Neither of then are unhappy at home but they want to be independent and make their own way in the world, and I'm very proud of them both. My 2 sisters eldest sons (both 28) are still living at home, tied to mum's apron strings and are in no hurry to leave.

                        I'm sure he will appreciate all you have done for him once he has to fend for himself.
                        You should be very proud of yourself that you have brought him up to be confident and independent.
                        If you think back to the time that you left home you will remember how exciting it was making your own way.

                        Melanie

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                        • #13
                          Oh Sunrise ! Your a mother and worry goes with the job. I felt exactly the same when mine left home. I did what you are about to do until they protested and made me stop hehe! Bags of groceries etc. Once they had their own children they were back big time. I look after their kids and dogs while they work now. The house is always busy and they are more than pleased if i have baked for them now, LOL. Sunday is my busiest day when the whole family arrive for lunch. Its wonderful. But none of it would have came about if I had never let them go. Try not to worry it is what life is all about darl. The time has come to fly the nest thats all. He will be back with this offspring before you know it. xxx
                          Last edited by pepsi; 10-01-2009, 12:21 AM.


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                          • #14
                            I wish I had had a mum like you!
                            He is going to miss 'home comforts' like mad and only then will he appreciate all that goes into looking after and loving kids. He will soon realise the fairies that cook, clean and make sure everything runs smoothly don't exist! I am sure there will be plenty of opportunities to pop round for a clean up!

                            My son (11) does things like scout camps etc OH and I think YAY some free time and yet the minute he goes we feel all lost and miz and don't fancy doing anything! Then we feel sad and old and like we have no life
                            My son drives me to distraction but the second he is not there I miss him so much - I dread him leaving home!

                            Your feelings are perfectly normal, try not to make him feel guilty about leaving as it is a really fab, grown up thing to do!

                            Apron strings are really attached to the heart strings but no one tells you that until you try and cut them (((hugs)))
                            Last edited by Aviya Glass; 09-01-2009, 10:46 PM.
                            Terry xxx
                            You can't have everything. Where would you put it all?" - Steven Wright
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                            • #15
                              Oh Sunrise, you sound like a lovely mum, and I'm sure your son will miss you, even though he'll be excited about setting up on his own with his mates. He will appreciate every cake you make and all the bits and bobs of shopping you do to help, and I'll bet he'll be back with his laundry occasionally. He's just moving out, I don't think you've lost him.

                              My mum still slips me £10 or some food or other treats from time to time and I'm 40 and left home years ago and whilst I manage fine without this, I'm very touched by it because it shows she still wants to be mum. She and I are very close and we talk almost daily and see each other at least once a week. She's very close to my children too.

                              On the other hand my son, who is 5 has told me he never wants to leave home because he wants to stay with mummy, and he asks will he still be in this house when he's 100. It makes me laugh, but also think about that inevitable day when he does leave home and I just don't want to deal with that. I have a feeling that both my children will stay close when they've grown up because that's the relationship I have with my mum. I hope so anyway.

                              Anyway, big hugs, be strong and I'm sure it will all be ok.
                              Elinor
                              x

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