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Am I being unreasonable?

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  • Am I being unreasonable?

    OK folks, this is nothing at all to do with crafting but comes as a result of an argument/disagreement with a close friend.

    He has been unemployed for around a month now after being sacked from his last job as an hgv driver after the lorry was broken into while he was on a break, anyway since then he hasn't found a new job and I have my suspicions that he hasn't really been looking - but that's not my problem.

    He will be 29years old on Thursday and lives at home with his mum and grandma, where he pays nothing towards the food, bills, upkeep of the house, etc and has never had to buy his own cars, road tax, insurance or mot as his grandma does it all for him. Even when he was working he contributed nothing to the household.

    Anyway, since he has been out of work his grandma has been paying his bills for him (repaying gambling debts) which is nearly £600 per month and his mum has been keeping his car filled up with petrol which I appreciate that most people would do for their offspring if they were in the financial position to help.

    BUT... what I don't agree with is that three nights a week his mum/grandma are paying for him to go out playing ten pin bowling and his mum is giving him money two or three times a week to go golfing. In addition to this they are keeping his mobile phone topped up with credit and giving him 'pocket' money to do as he pleases with.

    Anyway, he phoned me about an hour ago and asked what we were doing tomorrow night to which I replied "nothing much" and he said, he knows that we can't afford to go out but he thought we'd be doing something. So I explained that we have bills to pay and are not in a financial position to go out and would not rely on someone else paying for us to go out to **** money up a wall... to which he went off on one accusing us of being bitter and jealous that our families are not offering us money to go out.

    I have always been brought up to believe that neccesity comes before pleasure and that priorities should be made to our household, etc and if I want to go out then I budget for/set aside the money out of my own finances, not to rely on someone else's handouts.

    He cannot see anything wrong with taking money from his mum and grandma as his defence is that they are offering it, he is not asking for it, but my point is that when they are already bailing him out with his bills, petrol, phone credit, golf and bowling to an average of almost £300 per week and will be doing for the foreseeable future, then surely he should have the decency to say no to taking money to go to the pub/clubbing?

    Am I in the wrong for not seeing it from his point of view? Is he in the right with his "they offer I don't ask" argument?

    I just wondered what everyone elses views were on this cos it's really winding me up

    Sorry to ramble on!!

    LJ xxx
    Last edited by Fluffy Squirrel; 31-12-2008, 02:10 AM. Reason: Typos

  • #2
    Hmm it's a difficult one isn't it.
    You can understand that they would help him out a little but I nearly fell off my chair when I got to the bit about the gambling debt repayment

    Maybe he'll get a bit of a concience now that you've mentioned it - but doesn't sound very likely does it?

    And no, I don't think you're wrong. Even though they're offering it to him, you would think there would come a point when he would say no.


    • #3
      I wish he would get a conscience and realise just how much he is taking them for granted, but as hubby has said he is like the boy who never grew up and he doesn't seem to take responsibility for anything.

      I think what annoys me even more is knowing that hubby and I have had to struggle financially to get to where we are today and knowing that my late mum, did all she could including offering to get herself into debt to help us (which we refused to let her do) and yet we are seeing him 'using' his family for his own financial gain.

      In all honesty, I know that it's none of my business but I couldn't just sit back and say nothing cos it was really wnding me up with his attitude.

      Sadly he has always been a very spoilt child/teenager/man and I don't think he will realise just how dependant he is on them and how much he relies/takes them for granted until it's too late.


      • #4
        Yeah, he'll be in for a huge fright then, that's for sure.

        We 've always been the same too, never got into debt and always saved up for things we wanted and I know it's not for everyone but that's just the way we are. We can look around with pride at what we own cos we saved hard to buy it ourselves.

        If there does ever come a time when he's on his own he may well not cope with it well.


        • #5
          That's exactly how we feel as well... just a shame that more people don't have the same outlook on life.

          I would much rather go without until I could afford, than have something that I didn't really need while knowing that I owed someone else for it... I think a lot of it comes down to pride and respect too.


          • #6
            For what its worth Laura, I agree with you. I reckon your friend knows you're right which is probably why he got so defensive but if he's been spoilt all his life its hard for him to know any different. Sad thing is - I reckon he won't ever get that big shock he could do with cos if his family are so well off, he's gonna get it all anyway at some point in the future.

            When I met OH he was single parent to his 19 yr old son and 21 year old daughter. Gem had just started at Uni and Oh was paying her rent for her. Luke didn't think this was fair - forgettting that his father had bought him a car to the value of the rent he'd paid out for Gem. Luke was basically bumming around doing nothing, coming up with lots of get rich quick schemes that OH leant him the money for but they never came to anything. Two years later when we decided to get married we had a good talk and decided that he would move in with me, sell his house and spend his money building an extension on it. By this time, Gem had left Uni and was living with her fella so she was sorted however, Luke, although he was now working and earning a decent wage, felt that OH was totally out of order, "selling his home from underneath him" regardless of the fact that he'd never contributed a penny to the costs of the house or the food he was eating. OH was condisering trying to keep the house on if Luke would contribute but I argued saying that at 21 yrs old, he was old enough to look after himself and that he was doing his son no favours, cos he wasn't learning the value of money or the cost of living. Also, how on earth could we afford to run 2 homes? It resulted in a falling out between Oh and his son, which I did feel very guilty about however I still maintained that we'd made the right decision. Luke did leave home, move in with his girlfriend, only to be thrown out at 4.00 am in the morning one xmas eve after a row with his girlfriend. It was the end of that relationship so he stayed with us for a few weeks on the sofa as we didn't have a spare room, until he managed to rent a room with one my friends, who charged him £30 per week which he happily agreed to as he'd had 2 months of paying his own bills in his place with his ex. We decided to have an extra bedroom built and he eventually moved in with us when it was done. But he assumed he was gonna move back in paying nothing like he had before when he lived with his dad. I stood my ground, not easy looking up to a 6' 3" bloke from my 5' 4" and he wasn't impressed but I wasn't backing down - he was earning money, he had to contribute to the household. He was appalled when I asked for £40 per week but I just said, pay it or live somewhere else.

            Four years later, he's turned into a great guy, still moans at having to pay board, but when he does I get out the list of all the direct debits that come out of the bank to pay the running costs of our home, saying that maybe I should increase his board as the cost of living has gone up so much. He soon backs down.

            You have to show them the value of money and the cost of living. How on earth are they going to manage when they get out into the real world if you haven't prepared them for it.
            Last edited by auntynet; 31-12-2008, 03:05 AM.

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            ~ * ~ * ~ Of all the things I've ever lost, I miss my mind the most! ~ * ~ * ~


            • #7
              No, you are not wrong, but it's one of those 'you reap what you sow' situations, isn't it? They are obviously kind, loving parents, who have (and still are) over indulging their spoilt offspring, who has now grown into a selfish, overgrown brat. You did right to chastise the man, a good kick up the rear would'nt have gone amiss!
              Gail x

              My Blog:


              • #8
                Originally posted by onlyme View Post
                No, you are not wrong, but it's one of those 'you reap what you sow' situations, isn't it? They are obviously kind, loving parents, who have (and still are) over indulging their spoilt offspring, who has now grown into a selfish, overgrown brat. You did right to chastise the man, a good kick up the rear would'nt have gone amiss!
                Blimey. If I tried to behave the same way, I'd get much more than a kick up the backside from my family!

                Mind you, my attitude is, and has always been: If I were unemployed tomorrow (hope not, since that would involve going bankrupt!), and I needed money, I'd go out and get a job. Picking potatoes. Emptying bins. It's the principle that counts (e.g. We need to eat and need a roof paying for!).

                Not the same in all peoples minds. Grr.

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                • #9
                  Blimey. If I tried to behave the same way, I'd get much more than a kick up the backside from my family!
                  So would I Matt, but I'm far too polite to print what I'd really like to say...he he!
                  Gail x

                  My Blog:


                  • #10
                    I agree with everything everyone has said - and congratulations to Auntynet. I bet you have a great relationship with your step son now?

                    I was brought up to pay my own way and save up for anything I wanted. I didn't actually have any choice as my parents/family were very hard up and couldn't afford to pay for things for me, but the lesson was instilled in me from before I can even remember and it is a way of life. I'm even very reluctant to borrow money from my husband and always make sure I pay back every penny.



                    • #11
                      Thank you everyone for your comments, I'm glad that I'm not coming across as the unreasonable one... although I can understand that his mum and grandma are to blame to an extent for continuing to be his cash source, he is also to blame for not being man enough to realise just how much he is taking them for granted.

                      Auntynet, it sounds like your step son had the wake up call that he needed and now understands that cupboards don't fill themselves and bills need to be paid, I'm glad that it all worked out.

                      I agree with everyone else that if I tried to sponge off my family then I'd get a kick up the ****


                      • #12
                        I have a brother (whom I have no contact with) who pretty much behaved like the world owed him a living. Didn't care too much for work, claimed any benefits he could get hold of for himself wife and two children. Spent that money on drinking and gambling and then went bleating to our parents who coughed up because they wouldn't see his children go without. So what did they teach him about life? Precisely nothing as he never took any responsibility for himself or his family. Eventually the people around him saw him for what he was and he is now on his own. Personally i think your friend needs to wake up to the real world and his family need to let him work his own way out of the mess because otherwise he will never learn how to. They may think they are doing him a favour but in the long run they aren't. That's my two-penny worth!


                        • #13
                          I agree with the rest it is wrong of him to sponge off others with no conscience.
                          My stepdaughter keeps getting into debt despite having a reasonably paid job. 6 years ago she bought a new car on HP and then couldn't keep up with the repayments and got behind with the rent/rates etc so we and paid her arrears and lent her our car (which she ran into the ground and blew the engine after 6 months) , and her partners parents paid off most of the car debt. She even had most of her debts written off after that - just short of bankrupcy. Since then we have refused to lend her any more so she had been going to granny to borrow money - £3,000 to date, and only paying back a very small part of it before borrowing more. MIL passed away in May and since then she has been asking everyone to lend her money to fix her car or buy a new one, including my two sons ( her half brothers) whom she hardly ever contacts. She has even been pestering FIL about the £1,000 left to her in granny's will. Last time I saw her she was very 'off' with me and I'm sure she thinks I am stopping DH from giving her any money, although I was the one who pursuaded him last time.
                          We refuse to lend her any money that we know she will not pay back while watching her waste money on toys, clothes, DVD's, takeaways and sky TV. For the second xmas we have not seen or heard from her over the holidays knowing that she will be coming round in a few weeks to pick up her xmas presents with not even a card for us or her brothers.
                          She is 28 tears old and old enough to stand on her own 2 feet but while granny was 'bailing her out' she hasn't bothered to try.
                          It really annoys me that people like her and your friend seem to believe they are entitled to spend other people's money as well as their own.
                          OK rant over.



                          • #14
                            Originally posted by silvermaid View Post
                            It really annoys me that people like her and your friend seem to believe they are entitled to spend other people's money as well as their own.
                            OK rant over.

                            It really annoys me too... to the extent that we've had another argument about it this morning.

                            Yes I understand that if family didn't continue to give them hand outs then they'd be forced to fend for themselves but surely they should reach a time where pride and dignity make them stop and think about their actions, and make them want to be independent


                            • #15
                              Fluffy Squirrel I know it's hard but don't let it get to you - you'll only wind yourself up thinking about it. My hubby's brother and (especially) his wife are quite similar, they know how to play the benefits system and neither have worked for years but still have better holidays than us and all the latest computer consoles etc, it used to wind me up something stupid but now I just feel a bit sorry for them tbh. It's your friend and his family with the problem, imho his mum and gran are to blame, if they've always treated him that way he won't have learnt the value of money and the satisfaction of working for what you want.
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