Parrot joke

[MrSwirl]

Two parrots are sat on a perch.

One of them says "can you smell fish?"

[0103media]

We have had that one lol :D

[MrSwirl]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

[heavenlygirl]

somebodys on form this morning!!

[MrSwirl]

somebodys on form this morning!!

Every morning is comedy morning in the Swirl house...

[MrSwirl]

A burglar broke into a house and was skulking as silently as he could when he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching".

He stopped dead in his tracks and listened.

A minute went by and he heard nothing, so he started to move again. "Jesus is watching", came the voice in the dark.

His eyes were adjusting to the light and he noticed a cage in the corner containing a parrot.

"Was that you talking bird?"

The parrot said "yes"

"What's your name little bird?"

"Clarence", the parrot said.

"Clarence? who would name a bird Clarence?" , the burglar laughed.




The parrot said, "The same person who named the rottweiller Jesus"!

[EMEvans]

here's another

MAMA'S GIFTS
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.

"She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

[MrSwirl]

A German guy walks into a bar with a brightly coloured parrot on his shoulder.

"That's unusual" said the barman, "where did you get it"

and the parrot says "Germany, they've got millions of them there."

[EMEvans]

i like this one

This lady approaches a priest and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" inquired the priest.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" responded the woman.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priest two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,
"Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
"Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"

[MrSwirl]

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.

The shop owner points to 3 identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the left costs £500.00".

"Why does that one cost so much?" asked the shopper.

The owner says "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer."

The man then asks about the next parrot and was told that this one costs £1,000.00 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly started man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs £2,000.00.

Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

[MrSwirl]

This postman is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT!

He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch.

He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch.

He opens the gate and walks into the garden.




He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, it calls out: "REX, ATTACK!"

[EMEvans]

Mr Swirly i have visions of you sitting and typing these............
http://i190.photobucket.com/albums/z142/sea_nettle/pirate_parrot_on_computer_lg_wht.gif
Is there something your not telling us........................lol

[MrSwirl]

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "and get me a whisky you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "and get me another whisky you cow!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now, or I'll give you a slap".

Next moment both he and the parrot were wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "for someone who can't fly you're pretty lippy!"

[Peter]

That HAS to be the best joke I've heard in years! :first:

[EMEvans]

I can see you editted that one!! it's a good joke. ;)

[Apple Tree Crafts]

An attractive blonde took a holiday cruise on a freighter.

There's not much to do on a freighter, so the woman took frequent walks around the deck. On the first day at sea, she walked by the Captain's cabin, where his parrot called out "Hey Blondie, how's yer ass, how's yer ass."

The woman turned and marched away from this kind of language, and coming from a parrot at that.

Next day, same thing. And again on day 3. During the following night, an explosion rocked the ship. People and debris ended up in the water. Daybreak found the blonde clinging to a piece of wreckage floating in the ocean. As she regained consciousness and started to look around, she spotted the vile parrot on the other end of her float. As soon as the two made eye contact, the parrot hailed her with the now familiar "Hey Blondie, how's yer ass!"

Exasperated, she fired back "Oh, shut up!", to which the parrot replied "So's mine -- must be the salt water".

Jules

[EMEvans]

Before you read this one it is a little bit rude so if you offend easily - do not read (dissclaimer over). I just read it on another forum and it made me laugh.

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

“Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird”

"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the man.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

“Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

“Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"